A hundred years had passed since the United States of Jesus was
declared. There were no Muslims left on Earth. All Jews had been
forcibly relocated to Greater Israel which now stretched from the Nile to the
Euphrates. The world was largely Christian now and, as for the United
States of Jesus, well naturally it was 100% Christian, as its founding fathers,
George W. Bush and Pat Robertson intended.
The period of transition was not exactly smooth. Most pre-USJ
Christians assumed that Bush and Robertson had their eye on maintaining
multi-denominationalism, but all of that practice they gained from persecuting
non-Christians and the addictive joy of intimidating others that they reaped
from the experience needed an outlet and so, even after the founding of USJ,
millions of Christians, denomination by denomination either converted to the
uniform and legally accepted from of Christianity or were declared terrorists
The first to go were the Catholics who, by and large, refused to
convert. Many of them fled to Canada and Mexico, but large numbers were
also slaughtered after being held in internment camps. Next were the
Mormons, and so on until they got around to the Jews. The Jews, of course,
being God's chosen people needed to be handled differently, so in keeping with
prophesy, they were forcibly deported to Israel which, after the Middle-East
wars, was sufficiently large to contain them all. While deporting the Jews
was an important part of the goal, there was a major glitch. After
fighting so many wars to create Greater Israel (all to fulfill prophesy, of
course), the USJ expected free reign in Greater Israel and had planned to
convert all the Jews to Christians. The Jews, however, would have no part
of it and resisted, thus avoiding conversion, but not before many had died
resisting the USJ.
The internment camps were by no means pleasant. Rape, torture and
ritual dragging around by the neck with chains were common. They even made
a TV show out of it called "Retribution." After being raped,
tortured and dragged about, the internees were tossed into ovens.
Every Sunday the churches were filled and attendance was obligatory.
Officially, there was no abortion in the USJ. Crime was low and criminals
were dealt with mercilessly. Homosexuality was outlawed and whenever it
was encountered, after serving a proper prison sentence, the homosexuals were
reprogrammed and "restored" to being heterosexual. Pre-marital
sex was a crime punishable by death and the only legal form of sex was the
Since nearly all opponents of the USJ were obliterated worldwide, it would
not be an exaggeration to say that it was a time of peace. Of course, it
was a peace like one would find in a graveyard - not particularly desirous.
Since most of God's prophecies appeared to be filled, people began to wonder
when the time of the Second Coming would be. However, despite the
fulfillment of the prophecies, nothing seemed to be happening with regard to
this blessed event.
God looked down on the Earth and decided that it was time to end human
domination of Earth. At first He thought He'd just encourage another
creature to evolve and out-compete mankind, but then He worried about whether
humankind would leave some trace of information behind, information that might
lead life's next chance in the wrong direction. Rather than take this
risk, He decided it was in everyone's best interest to destroy all of humanity,
once and for all, and wipe out all human accomplishments.
God nudged a large asteroid from its path and sent it hurling, not towards
Earth, but towards the Moon. He knew humanity had become clever and he was
worried that a direct collision course would be deflected by a human effort at
self-preservation. However, he also figured that humans would not worry
much about the Moon being slammed and would fail to realize, at least in time,
that the impact would significantly slow down the Moon, given the angle of the
hit, the velocity and the mass, causing it to change its orbit to one which
would pass through the Earth itself, thereby destroying the Earth as man knew it
on a scale unimaginable even for an asteroid collision.
And so it happened, the people of Earth were alerted to the Asteroid by
the few astronomers left and they predicted a hit upon the Moon. No one
bothered to worry about it from there. The asteroid hit the Moon and the
Moon's orbit was altered. Shortly thereafter it became obvious to
astronomers that humans had but one month left for the Moon would return to its
place of birth, the Earth, and the collision would once again reduce the entire
planet to a ball of molten rock and metal which would one day cool and reform as
a new Earth, but not until several million years had passed and all remains of
human civilization were liquefied.
The people of Earth were very upset. They saw the Moon getting
larger and larger and soon it began to fill much of the sky. Panic broke
out and many demanded an explanation from God. After all, the USJ had
instituted God's law on Earth. No Rapture had occurred as expected and no
second Jesus was to be found anywhere. God, of course, knew he did not
have to reply to the people of Earth. After all, he is God and he doesn't
have to answer to anyone. On the other hand, God saw no harm in explaining
the situation to humanity so he decided to come down from the Heavens and make a
speech at the White House in Bushville, formerly known as Washington D.C.
There was much excitement about God coming to the White House. All
of the major television networks showed up. Advertising rates for network
television broadcasts during the event hit the roof, outdoing even the Super
Bowl. Homeland Security and the Secret Service provided security on a
scale without precedent, despite God's assurances that He required no
protection. The homeless living in Bushville (the former Washington D.C.)
were rounded up so as not to embarrass the USJ. They were taken to
detention camps and promptly gassed.
With Bushville abuzz, God arrived at the pronounced time and was closely
checked for identification, weapons, and any illegal substances before being
admitted to the White House. He was fingerprinted, strip searched, and
even his body cavities were searched. Nothing threatening was found and
the Transportation Security Agency assured everyone that this procedure, though
embarrassing to God, was for the good of everyone.
The media had been promoting its broadcast of what they were now calling
"The Summit With God," all morning. Alternating between pans of
the White House and pans of the sky, which was now filled with a huge and ever
growing Moon, various experts on theology, creation science and astronomy gave
their opinions about what to expect. Polls were conducted by telephone and
viewers were asked whether they approved or disapproved of God's actions.
Fox News began a "Boycott God" program and insinuated that God was
anti-American and should be shot on sight.
A reception hall had been prepared and when God entered, the officials of
the USJ all stood up and gave Him a standing ovation. God walked up to the
podium, stood tall and commenced.
"Good morning, my children," said God in a serious tone.
"I am here to explain to you why I have decided to destroy the Earth and
all of its inhabitants. Please listen carefully. My reasoning is
flawless. This is not to be a debate. I have already made my
decision and you will all be destroyed in exactly one week's time. Since I
am God, I really don't have any obligation to explain any of this to you.
I am here only because I believe it fair to explain to you where it is that you
failed, not only Me, but yourselves.
"When I created you, I created you in My Own image. Just as I
have, I gave to you the ability to reason, to make free choices and to command
the world around you. It was My Belief, at the time of your evolution,
that you would soon become masters of your world, and then your solar system and
in time of the galaxy to which your star, the Sun, belongs. I placed the
Moon near the Earth as a stepping stone to the universe beyond. Of course,
I also placed it there so that I could end your existence if and when I chose to
"My hope was that you would rise up above the animalistic urge to
dominate one another and encourage a world where each individual was much like
me, just, rational, ethical and of free will. However, each time any one
among you rose up and stood for justice, ethics, reason and freedom, you killed
that individual. Instead of evolving a culture of equality, fraternity,
free thought and ethical choice, you evolved a culture of hierarchy, control, subjugation
and worse of all, law. Now, I realize, given your failed evolution, you
may be shocked by my admonition regarding law, but let me explain this to you as
simply as I can. By governing the life of each individual through the
force of law, a construct created by you and not by Me, you usurped My
Plan. It was never My Intent to create a world of obedient creatures, all
marching in line under the fear of some immediate punishment, thereby devoid of
freedom of choice. My Intent was to create a world where each man and
woman, created in My Image and, therefore, God-Like, would find his or own path
and use his or her own faculties of reason, sense of compassion and
understanding of justice to make his or her own ethical choices. It was
this practice of thinking for oneself and making ethical choices by which I was
to judge you. The absence of such choice has made your lives meaningless
to Me. You have become part of one great, human created, machine moving
off in the direction of more order, more rigidity and more arbitrary
obedience. There is no escaping the rout you have chosen and if I do not
destroy you, you will impose your rigidity on the universe around you.
Worse yet, you have been destroying your natural world and I can see no means by
which a nobler species can overcome your destructiveness to wrest control of the
Earth's destiny from you and supplant you as the carriers of My Image.
Therefore, I have no choice but to destroy you.
"So, my children, this is my explanation. As I mentioned at the
start, there is no room for debate. I will not entertain any arguments
against my position, but I will give you the opportunity to ask me any questions
you wish to before I return to My Place and resume My Duties. Are there
A televangelist stood up to ask God a question. "Yes,
Pat," said God, "what is your question?"
"God, I have a question for you," said the televangelist.
"You promised us a Rapture. What of the Rapture? Why has there
been no Rapture."
God's eyes gleamed. He was pleased to have the opportunity to
explain about the Rapture, for he knew that they would be shocked when they
learned what they had done.
"The Rapture began about one hundred years ago and ended when you
killed the last Muslim," said God. "Any more questions?"
The silence within the hall was deafening. After a few seconds,
whispers could be heard between the members of the audience, which quickly
devolved into shouting and arguing. The televangelist, now pale and
indignant, spoke again to ask a follow up question.
"God," he said, "what do you mean by that?"
We've seen no one disappearing from the Earth, vanishing in a puff to be
transported to your side in heaven..."
God interrupted him. "Yes you have," he said. On
September 11, 2001 it began. I took over 3000 of you that day. In
the years that followed, each Muslim you killed in my name was transported to my
side. When the killing ended, so did the Rapture. As I said to you
long ago, 'The last shall be first and the first shall be last.' You're
the last, but you won't be transported to my side, you will merely be
destroyed. Your hell is knowing what you have done."
A group of Christians sprang to their feet and began to chant, "Fuck
you God, Fuck you God, Fuck you God..." They were angry and felt
A minister stood up to ask God a question. "God," he
shouted, "what happened to the Second Coming?" "You
promised to send your son."
"That already happened, too," said God. "In fact,
I've sent several children to help you over the millennia and you killed them
all, including Jesus." "The last of my children was detained in
Iraq, sent to Guantanamo, raped, tortured and murdered."
Another minister stood up, red in the face, trembling with anger and
shouted at God, "Blasphemer, you are a Blasphemer!"
To this, God chuckled and asked, "Next question?"
However, there were no more questions. The audience became an angry
mob. Someone shouted, "Crucify him!" and this became a chant,
"Crucify him, crucify him, crucify him..."
The angry mob rushed towards God but God merely vanished. Not able
to find God, they began attacking one another and in a short while Homeland
Security rushed in with machine guns, spraying the audience with bullets, until
the room became a puddle of blood. The talking heads of the media
explained all of this away, telling viewers that Homeland Security was acting in
their best interest.
As the week passed, panic broke out. The Moon loomed ever larger and
on the final day came crashing down to Earth at an angle. As the two
planetary bodies merged, the heat from the impact reduced the two into a molten
ball of liquid rock and metal. Great waves of glowing matter crossed the
Earth and then settled down to form a slightly larger planet. Over the
millions of years that followed, the planet cooled down again, rain fell from
the sky and a new Earth was born.